In The
Beginning . . .
"Sometime in life you will go on
a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find
yourself."
- Katherine Sharp
It’s hard to say how it all began. The spiral downward and the climb back out. At some point in my life, through a series of
heartaches and heartbreaks and bad choices and unfortunate circumstances, I lost control
and lost myself. I’ve reached the point
where I don’t want to blame anyone in particular for what I became, because I
understand that in the end it was my life to take control of and live as I saw fit.
At times I was bullemic; at times I just
overate. I almost never exercised. Over the years, I lost weight and gained weight
with yo-yo dieting. My weight soared. In 1994, my weight had reached a high of over 400
pounds. Although I am a tall woman at
5’9”, that is more weight than any body can carry.
I was unhappy and unhealthy. I was the subject of stares and ridicule. I couldn’t climb up a flight of stairs
without becoming winded. Although I had
always loved to travel, I could not fit in a single plane seat. I was afraid to go out alone anywhere, because I
knew people would stare at me and laugh. They
whispered behind my back. I didn’t
want to buy groceries or go to a restaurant, because people would always look and I knew
what they were thinking, “What is she eating? What
is she buying? You don’t need any more
food.”
The more unhappy I became, the more I
used food to comfort me and my weight to protect me from other people. Food created a wall around me, both literally and
figuratively, and the wall created a barricade around my emotions. Although I was terribly lonely, I didn’t want
anyone to touch me or my emotions.
I believe there is a sick cycle that
people with all types of eating disorders face: the thing which is causing you the most
pain is the thing which you cling to for comfort, because it gives you an instant sensory
gratification. You live for the instant
gratification and ignore the long-term consequences.
That was my life before. That’s enough about the trip down. The important part of my story is about the climb
out and where it has led me.
 
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Story] [2013 Update] [2007 Update] [2004 Update]
[Weight Loss and Maintenance] [Africa] [Climbing Kilimanjaro]
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